The designated areas of Colonel Denning were a little cramped and rocky, but trying to perfect the campfire, cooking, and hiking with minimal gear made it edgy and exciting. Trying to force the ultimate bad 80s earworm was an omnipresent theme.

The neighboring RV had Christmas-lighted Mickey Mouse ears and a pink flamingo ensemble that, from afar in the dark while trying to scope out meteor showers, looked like our camp site’s smoldering fire was suddenly raging out of control. Just a modest freakout by me.

The Flat Rock trail was a highlight, which is a short distance of 2.5 miles, but a steep elevation that led to nice overlook of Cumberland Valley. Many hawks coasted about while a view of farmland and a distant nuclear power plant just made ya want to eat two Clif Bars in one sitting, which is almost impossible.

Frida was a champion hiker and had a blast trampling through streams and mud while chasing chipmunks.

Yoga on the trail?

We started at Newport, Rhode Island, roaming around Thames Street and taking in the boat scene along the piers and hob-knobbing amid some antique stores, Asterisk restaurant, and a double dose of gelato.

Hanging on the docks…

It was the first time that I stayed at a Bed & Breakfast, and we lucked out with the Artful Lodger. They promised a stellar breakfast, and I have to admit it was a bit odd walking to the third floor conservatory room to suddenly share a feast with strangers that were in adjacent rooms, but they were all cool. Mike and Lieza dished up some tasty omelettes, pastries, and fattened us big time.

At The Artful Lodger

The Cliff Walk along the ocean made for a mixed experience of gazing at natural beauty and gawking at old mansions that nobody lives in anymore. The trail is kind’ve narrow, so you have to constantly get out of the way for people. We soon realized nobody gets out of the way for anybody and must always walk side-by-side. They love each other that much.

Satisfied Cliff Walker.

Next, we hit the road to Hampton Falls, New Hampshire for two days of tent camping at Wakeda Campground. We got hooked up with D60, one massive campsite next to Frog Pond. There was hardly anybody camping at all, aside from a few perma-RV older folks. While walking around, we were called upon by some old lady who was grilling chicken and didn’t have time for a stray Jack Russell terrier that had embraced her. So, we took Snoopy along with us. Luckily, the owner was able to u-turn back to camp and pick him up. But it was fun having a pet for an hour.

Melissa and Snoopy get to know each other.

We couldn’t get a fire going, as the bundle we bought was quite damp. So, we bagged it after a while and retreated to the tent to eat hot peppered chocolate and Hennepin Ommegang, which was a dumb idea as the caffeine kept me up all night mixed with paranoia from some odd creature that moaned a two syllable phrase.

Our new “sleeping bag for two” was warm and spacious. Crows guaranteed that we got up early with their cawing the next morning, and pushed us toward a day trip at Portsmouth, New Hampshire for breakfast at the eclectic The Friendly Toast, where you can stair up at pieces of carnival rides from the 60s. We then roamed around Prescott Park and took a mini-nap on the grass, hitting up The Juicery, eating cookies, and admiring the serene practically litter-free town.

Beautiful Portsmouth, NH

Get your juice on. PS: If you’re over six foot tall, you can’t walk in The Juicery without crouching.

Memorial Bridge to from Portsmouth, NH to Kittery, ME.

I got a slight burn on my face, but that didn’t stop us from checking out Hampton Beach to stick our feet in the ocean and fly our massive 50 foot long kite.

Melissa flies our kite on Hampton Beach, NH

Back at the campsite, we got the fire going with some new drier wood and cooked up a variety of veggie burgers and Jiffy Pop. We awoke to rain pelting the tent and packed the car back up to head to Mount Washington Valley.

At the Rockin’ Diner in Rochester, NH

There were cottages that we were to stay at in Bartlett, NH, but after we arrived, I didn’t like that they were practically on the highway, surrounded by ant traps, and had a lurking weird staff. I said, fuck it, and we headed to North Conway, NH in the hopes of finding a much better place.

We scored a great three night stay at Eastern Slope Inn & Resort. The historic inn had a great welcoming feel to it, the staff accommodating, and their were some great perks there. We made use of the hot tub, pool, attached Flatbread restaurant, and Frontside Grind coffee shop. North Conway wasn’t overly crowded, as it was in between the summer season and too early for the autumn leaf peeper crowd.

Eastern Slope Inn & Resort

Flatbread…. a damn fine establishment!

The Conway Scenic Railroad sunset ride was fun, but void of much scenery, including a view of the sunset. WTF? But, the railroad staff made it loose, including one young dude that was delighted to share every nugget of Hurricane Irene devastation he had to help clean up.

Hiking up to the pinnacle of Mt. Washington was out of the question, as I can barely jog for 30 minutes straight, so we did the ultra touristy Mt. Washington Auto Road. (Love their web site, btw.) We put the Hyundai Sonata to the fucking limit with this ascension, put it in low gear, and cruised on up the 7.6 miles.

They give you a free CD to listen to safety tips and history, but after 10 minutes the guy just irritates the hell out of ya and you just have to focus on the road. There are no guard rails or room for error, and you can easily fall off the side. I can’t imagine driving this in any condition other than bone dry.

Once you get to the top, you soon see that there are some magnificent views. We got lucky though. It can easily be a torrential downpour or Cloud City up there. Courageous hikers appear near where you park you car, making you feel like a spineless douche. Of course, the summit also has a gift shop, museum, and cafeteria.

Melissa is at one with the clouds.

Atop Mount Washington

Atop Mount Washington

Trains atop Mount Washington? Yeah, kind’ve odd.

Upon descension, we did some hiking on some Pinkham Notch trails, but many of them were badly battered from Hurricane Irene. Without the tree markers, we would have been lost easily.

Trying not to get lost…

Cruising the 34 miles of the Kancamagus Highway and stopping long the many outlooks, as well as some hiking was a true escape from the SEPTA fumes and “whaddup bitch?!” sounds of our beloved Memphis Street. Moat Mountain Brewing made for a nice end to the New Hampshire experience.

Melissa at Moat Mountain Brewing

Along a trail off the “Kanc”. We stumbled upon a fresh batch of bear shit, I believe, on the trail.

Hurricane Irene damage on the “Kanc”. Benches torn out of pathways.

Moat Mountain Brewing outdoor ash tray.

I’m dozing off here, but the last moments of our trip were enjoying the lush Green Mountains of Vermont, transfixion at a roadside Vermont Country Store, and realizing how bad the food is at The Recovery Sports Grill in Albany, NY.

And now, over to you, Melissa, for the 5-day forecast.

I recommend the Hyundai Sonata for road trips. No probs at all.

We then headed to Farmacia for lunch and then strolled around Old City, lounging on the lawn at the First National Bank, checking out Carpenter’s Hall, and then popping into Rotten Ralph’s for a beer. But there was of pack of hyenas from San Fran in there having one of those yelling conversations, as if they were in a loud nightclub, so we got out of there quickly. It’s amazing how much more annoying this is when they’re ugly and facing you…and wearing Giants baseball caps.

Melissa lounges on the lawn of the First National Bank in Old City.

We then strolled around Penn’s Landing and ended up at the relatively new Race Street Pier that’s along the the Ben Franklin Bridge. The thing is lined with benches and trees with nice railings to lean on and look at Camden in the distance and view where the Ride The Ducks used to dip down into the water.

Me looking psychotic at Penn’s Landing.

It was time to find a public rest room. So we went into Dave & Buster’s, which is a great place to do this, as there’s no questions asked and you can just walk right in. I realized I have no desire to play anything other than old school side scrolling action games from the 80s, like Contra, Rastan, Alex Kidd In Miracle World, or Double Dragon, and can’t wait for Barcade to open in Fishtown.

These kids freak me out. Why do they have such heavy wrinkles under their eyes at such a young age?

We then came upon Cavanaugh’s River Deck, which is one of those places that I always wondered about. Along with the now defunt Octo, Rock Lobster, and any other club on the Delaware River, this area had always just been a mysterious strip of massive watering holes that I pass on my way back from Lowes and Super Fresh.

Tourists in our own neighborhood.

But, damn’t, it was time to explore, so we went into Cavanaugh’s and found about 15 afternooners chilling at the back deck bar. We ordered a couple Shock Tops and tater tots and a talkative waitress named Lauren gave us the scoop on the place, as she was new and excited about it. Fun place to watch Phillies on the deck and escape the typical Fishtown / Northern Liberties scene, but I think it’s primarily a meat market during peak hours.

Inside Cavanaugh’s on the back deck.

102.9 WMGK was there hosting a party and expecting a few hundred people, but only a handful had showed up so far. Andre Gardner was the live DJ, which was a bit surreal hearing his voice on the radio as he broadcasted it while sitting at an adjacent chair and flipping through his iPhone. Some staff approached us and gave us two free tickets to see Yes and Styx on the 4th of July at the Susquehanna Bank Center. I tried to show some enthusiasm for the tickets, but I really don’t dig Styx. The dude’s voice has led me endure no more than 30 seconds of a Styx song. I used to love Yes when I was in high school, playing Tales From Topographic Oceans and scaring my parents, but my Yes t-shirt days have shriveled up.

We walked back home and hung in our backyard garden after one of those afternoon naps that make you feel worse than you did before. The plants in our yard are thriving.

Backyard is a blooming floral explosion.

Next, we then went to the Memphis Tap Room Beer Garden with Rich to watch the Phils win 1-0 in the bottom of the 9th from Ben Francisco’s RBI single. I had a Space Needle dog, which comes with cream cheese, scallions, and spicy mustard. We chatted it up with a couple from West Philly who live near Local 44, a place I used to frequent for lunch at my old job. I don’t miss my old job at all.

Here’s a video of the Memphis Tap Room on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives:

Back at home, we started to watch the first season of Louis on the Roku, which is one of the funniest damn show I’ve seen in a while. Check it out:

I awoke the next day after about 10 hours sleep.

Fuck it, I’ll keep going.

One of the things Melissa got for my birthday, which was the next day, was this killer Mike Schmidt meets Michael Jackson t-shirt. If you’ve never seen the album cover to Thriller, this will mean nothing and just scare you.

We then roamed around the Schuylkill Banks where we saw multiple bride and grooms vying for the same scenic backgrounds.

Would love to crash a wedding at this place.

We then saw the Phillies lose to the A’s because I didn’t clap loud enough.

This was snapped by Melissa after I picked up a copy of Carolla’s new book, In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks.

Some people claim Mack & Manco Pizza as the ultimate kick-ass pizza in Ocean City, and it is quite tasty. I have nothing to compare it to in O.C. But it easily beats any Fishtown pizzeria — that’s for damn sure.

You can’t really see it, but Tommy is flying a kite in this photo. One of Melissa’s wedding shower gifts over a year ago was a massive 50 ft. kite that we were to take to Aruba. But we forgot to take it to Aruba. Soooo, we ended up flying it once in a vacant Fishtown baseball field. Below is the results of that:

Not too bad, but the beach winds killed this, allowing us to effortlessly soar the kite until there was no more rope.

The crew headed to the boardwalk.

Melissa tries out a new drink on the porch.

A very upset Brian on the his scariest amusement park ride of the day.

We went on a trip to Rio Grande, NJ to eat dinner one night at Menz Restaurant. My grandparents used to take us here a lot when I was a kid. Fun place with lots of crazy decorations, such as a stuffed 2-headed calf, and loads of American pop lore. Here my Mom stands in front of a statue of the man who used to own the restaurant. He used to sit in his wheelchair at the exit (he lost a leg to cancer as a teen), with a cigar, making sure the kids got their free taffy on the way out.

My parents, satisfied after eating at Menz Restaurant.

Melissa on the boardwalk.

Melissa and Steph.

Williams, AZ

Yeah, I had Melissa pose by a town sign painting. I am so original!

Melissa hangs by two old kerosene pumps at a gas station that was converted to a souvenir shop. Of course, I bought a Route 66 sign.

An old locomotive train from the original Grand Canyon Railroad sits by the Williams depot.

Another train…

The Red Garter Bed & Bakery. Wish we had time to stay here.

The Road To Phoenix

Amazingly, we didn’t hit any traffic at all on the way to Phoenix, or even on the entire trip for that matter! Our Chevy Malibu rental was all smooth sailing for the whole journey.

We didn’t come across any of these, but were warned they were around.

Cactus on the highway.

Hyatt Hotel

The Hyatt in downtown Phoenix was a nice decadent way to end our trip. We watched the Dbacks win at the hotel bar as they played in Chase Field just blocks away. At the end of the game, fireworks erupted outside and we were told they do that once a week.

Melissa poses in our Hyatt Hotel room.

Relaxing on the bed, where we spent five bucks to watch a missed episode of The Office. We also had pancakes and coffee delivered to the room the following morning. Never did that before, but, damn, what a rip-off!

Melissa goes up the Hyatt Hotel elevator. We thought this was funny at the time.

Downtown Phoenix And A Random Dbacks Game

Roaming around Phoenix the next day, the sun was quite intense and the town was dead. Nobody was around, not even near the Arizona State University campus. We ended up cooling off by watching Alice In Wonderland in a theatre and then having some crappy Mexican food. I was surprised by how bad it was, but it was near the campus where expectations aren’t high.

We ended up chatting with this Pedicab (bike rickshaw) dude, named Len. He admitted that, due to the Arizona boycott, Phoenix was not alive with tourists as much as it used to be. We talked about the boycott for a while, and I was in agreement with him as to how goofy it is to boycott an entire U.S. state, all of its businesses, and all of its people just because of Jan Brewer and the new Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act. Len was against the new immigration law, as well as most cops, and Arizona mayors, so why should everyone suffer?

The lack of Arizona support became even more evident when some guy came up to me asking if I wanted two Diamondback tickets for FREE! I thought he was joking and even offered him money, but he was so tired of trying to give them away for free that he just wanted to move on.

So, we decided to give Len some business and he biked us about six blocks to Chase Field. I felt like a total dick sitting in a pedicab, but what the hell. We were on vacation. The seats to the game were along the left field line, and the stadium was quite nice. We only stayed for a few innings, as we had to get to the airport to head back to Philly.

Nice seats…The Dbacks ended up getting destroyed by the Milwaukee Brewers… and Jan Brewer. Hey-oh!! (Couldn’t resist that one.)

Sedona Motel

It’s one of the cheapest places in town, but smack dab in the middle of everything. Oh, and it faces Snoopy Rock.

Energy Vortexes

Throughout Sedona, there are several energy Vortexes that draw a lot of tourists. To me, it’s just a bunch of bull, but they are fun to check out regardless due to beauty they encompass.

The vortexes in Sedona are swirling centers of subtle energy coming out from the surface of the earth. The vortex energy is not exactly electricity or magnetism, although it does leave a slight measurable residual magnetism in the places where it is strongest.

Sunset near the Airport Vortex.

Cathedral Rock Trail

The highlight of Sedona was the hike up Cathedral Rock Trail, which was a short but steep 1.5 hike with an amazing view at the end.

Melissa hikes up Cathedral Rock Trail.

View from atop Cathedral Rock Trail.

Trail perimeters.

Atop Cathedral Rock Trail.

Perfect weather…Low 80s…Small breeze…Clear skies.

Melissa climbs Cathedral Rock Trail.

Atop Cathedral Rock Trail.

Chapel Of The Holy Cross

A small chapel built in the rocks!

Looking down from the Chapel, you see this wealthy family’s home.

Aliens

Sedona also has its fair share of aliens coming to visit, such as this dude.

Overall

If you are an art collector, Sedona is loaded with galleries in the Main Street area where most of the tourists roam around — kind’ve like an upscale boardwalk section with no amusement rides. Sedona exudes wealth wherever you go. There are a bunch of mini shopping plazas, such as Tlaquepaque, that are fun to just walk through and be in awe of the architecture and sculptures.

The town is loaded with great eats, and there are many options for vegetarians. Melissa was in heaven with this. But the town seems to be void of a nightlife. We roamed around the town at 10:00 pm and many places that served alcohol were already closed.

Sedona is an odd mix, ideal for the adventurous hiker or the art collector that doesn’t want to get out of high heels. The tourism industry there is very irritating though. They will hound you to take you on a helicopter ride or try to get you to sign on with a time share or take you on a town tour in their pink jeeps. Just ignore ‘em.

The Open Road

Pulling Over To Explore

Above is a rare pitstop on our journey, a good spot to stretch and take some photos.

Luckily, she didn’t break her neck.

Mather Campground

Melissa warms up by the fire and her travel journal at our Mather Campground spot. We saw a few mule deer walking around nearby as well as many fat cat sized ravens. We left our site for about 20 minutes and came back to see a raven going to town on a packet of tortillas we had left out.

An older gray bearded camper, named Vince, took a liking to Melissa and was chatting with her as she came back from the bathroom. Turned out, he was a Philly native now living in California. This dude was a trip, as he kept coming over to our campground to talk baseball, give us multiple hugs goodbye, and talk politics — a friendly traveler.

Getting ready for Not Dogs…Yeah, Not Dogs. I can eat 4 of them easy.

Bright Angel Trail

Melissa takes some shots as we descend Bright Angel trail. We didn’t go all the way to Phantom Ranch, but we vowed to do it again someday. There’s so many lengthy trails at the Grand Canyon that two days there can hardly put a dent in your stay there.

Mules On The Canyon

I personally wouldn’t ride a mule down the canyon, but the option was there. LAME! Plus, if they get exhausted and fall, you’re going down with them. Melissa stands off to the left laughing as she gets stuck. The mules also make it perilous for the hikers by shitting up a storm on the trails.

A few drinks and the photo booth is always fun.

Their “sign-in book” was a surfboard. Dope.

Celebrity Kids Reunion…

Melissa and Faith jump by the ocean.

Nice-sized bonfire, ready to torch your S’mores.

Not sure who this band was, but they rocked the beach with covers — Hendrix, Zeppelin, and Sublime.