Williams, AZ

Yeah, I had Melissa pose by a town sign painting. I am so original!

Melissa hangs by two old kerosene pumps at a gas station that was converted to a souvenir shop. Of course, I bought a Route 66 sign.

An old locomotive train from the original Grand Canyon Railroad sits by the Williams depot.

Another train…

The Red Garter Bed & Bakery. Wish we had time to stay here.

The Road To Phoenix

Amazingly, we didn’t hit any traffic at all on the way to Phoenix, or even on the entire trip for that matter! Our Chevy Malibu rental was all smooth sailing for the whole journey.

We didn’t come across any of these, but were warned they were around.

Cactus on the highway.

Hyatt Hotel

The Hyatt in downtown Phoenix was a nice decadent way to end our trip. We watched the Dbacks win at the hotel bar as they played in Chase Field just blocks away. At the end of the game, fireworks erupted outside and we were told they do that once a week.

Melissa poses in our Hyatt Hotel room.

Relaxing on the bed, where we spent five bucks to watch a missed episode of The Office. We also had pancakes and coffee delivered to the room the following morning. Never did that before, but, damn, what a rip-off!

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Melissa goes up the Hyatt Hotel elevator. We thought this was funny at the time.

Downtown Phoenix And A Random Dbacks Game

Roaming around Phoenix the next day, the sun was quite intense and the town was dead. Nobody was around, not even near the Arizona State University campus. We ended up cooling off by watching Alice In Wonderland in a theatre and then having some crappy Mexican food. I was surprised by how bad it was, but it was near the campus where expectations aren’t high.

We ended up chatting with this Pedicab (bike rickshaw) dude, named Len. He admitted that, due to the Arizona boycott, Phoenix was not alive with tourists as much as it used to be. We talked about the boycott for a while, and I was in agreement with him as to how goofy it is to boycott an entire U.S. state, all of its businesses, and all of its people just because of Jan Brewer and the new Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act. Len was against the new immigration law, as well as most cops, and Arizona mayors, so why should everyone suffer?

The lack of Arizona support became even more evident when some guy came up to me asking if I wanted two Diamondback tickets for FREE! I thought he was joking and even offered him money, but he was so tired of trying to give them away for free that he just wanted to move on.

So, we decided to give Len some business and he biked us about six blocks to Chase Field. I felt like a total dick sitting in a pedicab, but what the hell. We were on vacation. The seats to the game were along the left field line, and the stadium was quite nice. We only stayed for a few innings, as we had to get to the airport to head back to Philly.

Nice seats…The Dbacks ended up getting destroyed by the Milwaukee Brewers… and Jan Brewer. Hey-oh!! (Couldn’t resist that one.)

Sedona Motel

It’s one of the cheapest places in town, but smack dab in the middle of everything. Oh, and it faces Snoopy Rock.

Energy Vortexes

Throughout Sedona, there are several energy Vortexes that draw a lot of tourists. To me, it’s just a bunch of bull, but they are fun to check out regardless due to beauty they encompass.

The vortexes in Sedona are swirling centers of subtle energy coming out from the surface of the earth. The vortex energy is not exactly electricity or magnetism, although it does leave a slight measurable residual magnetism in the places where it is strongest.

Sunset near the Airport Vortex.

Cathedral Rock Trail

The highlight of Sedona was the hike up Cathedral Rock Trail, which was a short but steep 1.5 hike with an amazing view at the end.

Melissa hikes up Cathedral Rock Trail.

View from atop Cathedral Rock Trail.

Trail perimeters.

Atop Cathedral Rock Trail.

Perfect weather…Low 80s…Small breeze…Clear skies.

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Melissa climbs Cathedral Rock Trail.

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Atop Cathedral Rock Trail.

Chapel Of The Holy Cross

A small chapel built in the rocks!

Looking down from the Chapel, you see this wealthy family’s home.

Aliens

Sedona also has its fair share of aliens coming to visit, such as this dude.

Overall

If you are an art collector, Sedona is loaded with galleries in the Main Street area where most of the tourists roam around — kind’ve like an upscale boardwalk section with no amusement rides. Sedona exudes wealth wherever you go. There are a bunch of mini shopping plazas, such as Tlaquepaque, that are fun to just walk through and be in awe of the architecture and sculptures.

The town is loaded with great eats, and there are many options for vegetarians. Melissa was in heaven with this. But the town seems to be void of a nightlife. We roamed around the town at 10:00 pm and many places that served alcohol were already closed.

Sedona is an odd mix, ideal for the adventurous hiker or the art collector that doesn’t want to get out of high heels. The tourism industry there is very irritating though. They will hound you to take you on a helicopter ride or try to get you to sign on with a time share or take you on a town tour in their pink jeeps. Just ignore ‘em.

The Open Road

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Pulling Over To Explore

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Above is a rare pitstop on our journey, a good spot to stretch and take some photos.

Luckily, she didn’t break her neck.

Mather Campground

Melissa warms up by the fire and her travel journal at our Mather Campground spot. We saw a few mule deer walking around nearby as well as many fat cat sized ravens. We left our site for about 20 minutes and came back to see a raven going to town on a packet of tortillas we had left out.

An older gray bearded camper, named Vince, took a liking to Melissa and was chatting with her as she came back from the bathroom. Turned out, he was a Philly native now living in California. This dude was a trip, as he kept coming over to our campground to talk baseball, give us multiple hugs goodbye, and talk politics — a friendly traveler.

Getting ready for Not Dogs…Yeah, Not Dogs. I can eat 4 of them easy.

Bright Angel Trail

Melissa takes some shots as we descend Bright Angel trail. We didn’t go all the way to Phantom Ranch, but we vowed to do it again someday. There’s so many lengthy trails at the Grand Canyon that two days there can hardly put a dent in your stay there.

Mules On The Canyon

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I personally wouldn’t ride a mule down the canyon, but the option was there. LAME! Plus, if they get exhausted and fall, you’re going down with them. Melissa stands off to the left laughing as she gets stuck. The mules also make it perilous for the hikers by shitting up a storm on the trails.

A few drinks and the photo booth is always fun.

Their “sign-in book” was a surfboard. Dope.

Celebrity Kids Reunion…

Melissa and Faith jump by the ocean.

Nice-sized bonfire, ready to torch your S’mores.

Not sure who this band was, but they rocked the beach with covers — Hendrix, Zeppelin, and Sublime.

Watchman Campground

Our “four man” tent was set and we were ready to explore.

Although the days were in the high 70s, the nights were in the 30s, which made for very cold sleeping experiences.

Shuttle Systems and Springdale

Although we were confused at first, the Zion National Park has a very efficient bus shuttle that traverses to all of the vast trails scattered throughout the park. The shuttle picks up every 12 minutes and runs about 12 hours a day.

There was also a separate town shuttle that took you into the neighboring town of Springdale that had a lot of cool places to eat and a great market called Sol Foods that should satisfy anyone’s camping needs.

Trails

The first trail we hit was the Watchman Trail, a short yet steep trail. Above, Melissa shows off some yoga at the top.

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The highlight of Zion for me was the Emerald Pools Trails, a multi-faceted trail that ends at a gorgeous pool created by small waterfalls.

Exiting Zion

Driving out of Zion from the north sector was absolutely amazing. Melissa was driving at this point, and we were both in for a big surprise as the roadways were void of shoulders or guard rails. Soon we were off to the Grand Canyon and entering miles of nothing but occasional Navajo women selling local stone jewelry, luring drivers in with homemade signs.

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Here is a rare gas station on the road to Arizona.

P.S. — Local Brews

I was excited to try out the Virgin Stout from the local Zion Canyon Brewing Company. Good stuff, as well as the Jamaican style lager.

Chevy Malibu To The Luxor Hotel

I ask for a Dodge Avenger and get a Chevy Malibu. At least we didn’t get stuck with a PT Cruiser.

The Luxor is a pyramid shaped hotel / casino, with an elevator that escalates diagonally. It’s kind’ve cool at first, but slower than most elevators, filled with mirrors a la “Enter The Dragon”. The rooms at the Luxor were average, still with tube TVs and dim & bland. I almost didn’t see the Egyptian blanket patterns.

Melissa stands next to our hotel window facing Excalibur.

Melissa stands outside in front of the Luxor with her new eyeglasses that she’s barely used to.

Tacos, Tequila, and Conan

Taco & Tequilas in the Luxor is a cool place, and surprisingly served the best Mexican food on this trip. After roaming around Mandalay Bay, which connects to the Luxor, we took a lonnnnnng walk to the Palms Casino Resort on the other side of town.

New York, NY was one of the places we passed, where the sidewalk traffic was really congested and filled with dual Michael Jackson impersonators dancing and hoping to get a couple bucks out of you.

Along the way, the many hired dudes trying to hand out business cards with escorts on them were hilarious, dishing out the glossy baseball card-esque sex connections by tapping them together and trying to slap them into anyone’s willing hand. Collect them all! Danielle, Monique, Jezebelle, Daisy!

At the Palms Pearl Theatre, we were psyched to see the main attraction of the night: Conan O’Brien and his “Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour”. We really didn’t know what to expect, and we were allowed to bring in our cameras as well. Unfortunately, Melissa could not bring in her $3000 professional Canon camera, and we had to leave it with some girl that was just as confused as we were about it. (Luckily, Melissa got the camera back intact, although it was moved and placed on some random unsupervised table!)

The opening act was Reggie Watts, a standup comedian whose delivery is beset by multiple personalities. I thought he was absolutely brilliant. His human beat box loops + lyrics had me dying. The “Fuck Shit Stack” song, which pokes fun at a lot of rap video stereotypes, is a crass delight. Check out his video for it here:

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A billboard for Conan’s show stared us down on the long walk to the Palms.

Conan’s show was a mix of video segments, showcasing him as a fat ass bearded depressed guy that suddenly got a call to do a national tour and having to suddenly shed pounds to get back in shape. I’m sure this video will surface soon and be played on his new TBS program.

Andy Richter joined Conan, as well as one of his writers, his full band, dancers, the Masturbating Bear and more, even a huge inflatable bat that was leftover from a Meatloaf tour. You never knew what would happen next in the production. He even licked La Bamba’s sweaty face with one long disgusting stroke.

The only negative of the show was Conan’s singing. He seems to love it and it’s just not one of his strong suits. After the show, Melissa and I took a taxi and roamed around Mandalay Bay in pursuit of beers and ended up at the Burger Bar in search of Phillies highlights and a buzz.

Coming Up Next Up… Zion National Park, Utah

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Turco pulled off a lot of classics, such as escaping from a canvas straight jacket tied on by random audience members, levitating one of his girl dancing aides, and pulling disappearing acts in which he would end up from the front of the stage to the back of the theatre in just a few moments.

Allowing random audience members on stage was what made his illusions even more impressive. For example, he brought up three kids on the stage and successfully guessed a teacher’s name, favorite vacation destination, and serial number on a dollar bill.

I’d also like to add that the funky decorated Chelsea Hotel has some great inexpensive rooms ($60!), delicious attached diner, and great customer service, although our heater made a lot of moaning noises and had to be turned off.

The only downer of the trip was Melissa getting  a flat tire while looking for a parking spot. Abrupt u-turns on unknown roads with sharp steep curbs are dangerous, people. Be careful out there!

I shot some photos with my iPhone, and made a music video for my instrumental “Old Main Ghosts”. Checkity check it out below.

Some old dude insisted on taking a photo of us. He used my iPhone that has been locking up lately and I was certain it would lock up on him or he’d run away and steal it and I’d have to chase him down and throw pumpkins at him to get it back.

Regardless, here’s a taste of the fun had on the pirate laden cruise, where they shoved awful red rum drinks in our faces and let the brave do a little rope jump while anchored on the north end of the island.

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Monday

Headed to the Quality Hotel in South Philly near the airport and watched the Cardinals vs. Cubs in hotel bar. I had a gross calamari with a beer. Melissa had a spaghetti platter…We soon went to bed and woke up at 4:15 a.m. to…

Tuesday

…take a shuttle to the airport. I had an egg & cheese sandwich at Basset’s Turkey and Melissa had oatmeal. We waited a while for our flight. I read Thomas Paine and the latest GOOD Magazine.

We landed in Charlotte, NC, which was a beautiful airport…Loads of places to eat…We settled on some joint that specialized in bagels. I had a pizza bagel. Melissa had some veggie jawn.

Our second flight landed in Aruba around 3:30 p.m. While looking for our luggage, we realized that a lot of the passengers were honeymooners as well.

A shuttle took us to our hotel, the Occidental Grand, after a loudspeaker overview of Aruba. The wind was warm and strong.

Checking in to the hotel took a bit. A bunch of honeymooners in front of us. The hotel features 4 restaurants and 1 all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. We were told that we had to book our restaurants ahead of time, so we booked them right away…after another wait…Then we spent some time with some time-share dude…He kept kissing our ass and asking us how we stayed so young and vibrant looking.

After checking into our room, we had dinner at the buffet restaurant. As an all-inclusive, we weren’t used to not tipping at all. We then checked out the beach at sunset and roamed around the hotel. A band was playing Bob Marley songs in the casino. You basically could buy drinks from any of the hotel bars and walk around with it anywhere. Amazing. We walked into the middle of a comedic production at the theatre, and decided to check out the disco instead. But it was early, and we were told there was just a man and his buddies in there, one of which was stuck in an elevator for an hour because he didn’t know how to get off.

We decided to break away from the resort. Across the street were loads of resaturants: Hoooters, Soprano’s Piano Bar, Hard Rock Cafe, Rembrantds’s, some Thai joint — loads…We ended up eating at an outside Japanese bar and ate tempura and rice in a suddenly heavy wind. I drank some kind’ve “orgasmic” girly drink and we watched a rock concert by some band that looked like Metallica but sang reggae-tinged songs in Spanish and had a massive cult following.

Wednesday

Slept 10 hours. Haven’t done that in a while….Went to the buffet for lunch and then went to the beach and laid in rafts. The water was turquoise. No shells. Not much algae at all. No waves, at least on the resort side of the island. Very relaxing. We then sunbathed with pina coladas and then went to the pool to float about and drink Balashi from the pool bar, along with Jack & Cokes and some other weird stuff…We met 3 other cool couples as well and just enjoyed an afternoon of soaking up rays and relaxing…I realized of the Cliff Lee Phillies trade…

Had dinner at the Asian restaurant attached to the Occidental and pigged out with some couple from Delaware for some sushi, entrees and dessert, more chardonnay…The dude talked about his life way too much and we realized how much a blind date with a couple can be irritating, but he led me to find out that Jim Johnson died…We then found ourselves in bed watching MTV the Real World Cancun, which was awful, so we jetted out to the beach to sit under the moonlight while 2 distant karaoke bars competed for our ears’ attention.

Thursday

Breakfast buffet…Booked massages at the Larimar Spa next door. A girl noticed my Utley shirt and then waved her husband over. Yet another honeymooning couple, this time from Northeast Philly…Melissa and I then checked out the shops along the street and bought some gifts for our parents…We then had the lunch buffet and sunbathed poolside in one of those king sized beds with drapes and an overhead…

We then plunged into the pool for more pina coladas and Balashi, the sole beer brewed in Aurba…as well as a dip into the heated jacuzzi…Saw that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez were two of the 100 tested positive for steroids in 2003 or 2004. Forget which year. They play ESPN at the pool bar and CNN in the lobby…Not reading or watching news from TV or internet creates a big gap in your mind when you’re used to constant nuggets of political banter…

Been doing well with the sun, as I usually burn up like crazy, but I keep applying 30,SPF every 90 minutes that I’m outside. Maybe there is Zebra cum in it, as Lewis Black suggests…

Took a bus to the Flying Fishbone, about 15 miles away. But the bus didn’t take us that far, so we got out at the capital of Orejnestad and took a cab to the restaurant. It was rush hour, so the cabbie took us on a shortcut route through some backroads where we thought maybe we’d be killed, but it was all good. We ended up sitting at a table in the water, with the small waves crashing at our ankles. I ate red snapper and chocolate mousse and we watched the sunset and joked around with another couple from NY. We were treated to a honeymoon dessert with sparklers and praise…

Took a cab back to the resort where we chilled at an outdoor beach party that seemed aimed for children primarily, due to the the goofy host and kids songs. But we drank up some Balashis with a cool couple from San Fran that we got along with…It seemed everywhere we went, we were meeting honeymooners…The wealthy families on big family trips kept their distance.

Friday

Breakfast buffet and then checked out the computer lab which had a really slow connection, but we were able to check out our professional wedding photos.

Sunbathed on the beach and waded in the ocean for a while. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I believe we were quickly back at the buffet for lunch…then off to a Jolly Pirates sunset cruise up to the north part of the island. The crew kept giving us “Pirates Poison”, some potent crazy red drink…We then dropped anchor for people to use the swing and jump into the water. I just chilled out and relaxed, although Melissa gave me a hard time for not jumping in. But I was just happy to not be vomiting on a boat like the last time that I was on one…

Dinner buffet and soon came to the conclusion that we couldn’t do anything this night aside from play gin-rummy in the hotel room, but we had forgotten our deck of cards…The plates of food that we’ve been making are ridiculous. One of my dinner plates went something like this: 1 chicken taco, 1 mini pizza slice, 2 slabs of cantaloupe, a fist full of cornchips topped with guac, 2 portions of mahi mahi, 1 big chicken tender sliver, 1 cookie — all squished together…The coffee was awful though, at least for us coffee snobs. It was probably Maxwell House or Folgers.

Saturday

Breakfast buffet…Ran into the San Fran couple again and he gave me the rest of his internet hours…We then lounged around the pool again…I got a slight burn on my shoulders the previous day, but nothing too bad…Balashi beers…We then went to the Larimar Spa which was attached to the neighboring Radisson. Gorgeous facilities and outdoor lounge, a mini pool to cool off, sauna, massive shower — very nice men’s lounge. Melissa and I had an 80 minutes couples massage in the same room. I had a very nice Swedish Massage and she had the Arubian special…

Next, chilled in the lounge with lemon water and watched a baby iquana peck at a half-eaten apple that some lady had just left there….We then roamed about and strangely decided to get a big ball of gouda cheese and some Wheat Thins….We ate almost all of it while laying in bed and watching Comedy Central…

We then walked around some more shops and then went to eat at the in-house Italian restaurant….I had the Grouper Filet and Melissa had some linguine entree. The food was kickass, but they had me sitting and facing hte corner…WTF?…Still I decided to tip this waiter, the first dude to get a nice Abe Lincoln out of me in this all-inclusive…

So, we then went downstairs to a show at the theate for some “Latin Explosion” thing where I didn’t understand what the hell they were saying but the dancers were dressed kind’ve like Mummers and gave me a reason to hoot and holler…

Next, we went to the Soprano’s Piano Bar and the singer made fun of my hat but then asked to wear it, since it resembled a Michael Jackson hat or something, and we enjoyed many sing-out-loud songs….I then forced Melissa to go to Burger King and I ate a Whopper Jr. while she watched me…But it was worth it because we then went to our resort’s casino…I gave Melissa $2 and she won $320 on two cranks of the slots! We cashed in and called it a night.

Sunday

We woke up early and got the breakfast buffet and then met with the Kinikini ATV tour dude in the lobby. His name was Tony, an native Aruban, and he took our sleepy heads to his ATV headquarters. No one else had signed up for the early 9:00 a.m. tour, so it was just Melissa, Tony, and I .

We put our helmets on, hopped on the red ATV, and followed Tony down Aruban streets on our long 5 hour tour. I was driving and Melissa sat at the back and held my waist. We went from asphalt roads to dirt roads quite quickly, and then to gravelly stone roads.

Our first stop was the oldest chapel in Aruban which featured an outdoor stations of the cross, each station a good 30 yards from each other. The chapel was located at the north end of the island, and it only sat 30 people comfortabably. Tony went in to kneel and pray for a bit. I followed and did the same. I realized I had not prayed in years…

The ATV tour led down several cactus lined dirt roads and beach side pathways…We saw an art sanctuary that was set up by artists that converted washed-ashore plastic, old boat parts, signage, dolls, you name it….anything washed ashore turned into bizarre sculptures…

Another stop was the an old gold mining storage building…Another stop was a natural bridge where waves washed ashore underneath…Another was a giant boulder formation that resembled elephants…

Finally we headed to our final destination: the natural pool of Conshi. The path to Conshi was treachorous, but seemed easy for the ATV to handle. We had no problems, even when there was no paths to traverse….But close to the entrance of the pool we hit a major snag — I’m not even sure what happened, it happened so fast. But, Melissa and I were thrown from the ATVs…I flew through the air and landed on my right arm. The the ATV rolled onto my waist, but I quickly slithered from underneath it.

My right forearm was really scraped up. My hands had been banged up and cut as well, bruises on my ass and chest….I kept reaching over my body and making sure I wasn’t bleeding anywhere else. I had landed on my arm, and my shoulder was really sore. Melissa leaped up and came questioning if I was OK. We were in a daze, confused. She sat down and realized that her scraped knee was hurting really bed, as well as acquiring painful bruises on her side. Tony eventually turned around and was baffled. We had no answers, but were just trying to figure out our pain.

Back on the ATV, that was now leaking oil, we headed about 200 more yards to the staircase to the natural pool. Melissa and I hobbled down through the stony makeshift staircase in agony, but trying to make light of the situation…I kept thinking how lucky we were to be alive, to not have a broken arm or finger, or even a gash to the head…Very, very fortunate…

We eventually clamored into the natural pool that was surrounded by black crabs of some sort. Most were small, but I saw some big ass ones that had me concerned. We really didn’t enjoy the natural pool due to our aches, but it was amazing to see the massive waves crash over the walls and splash us all. The day before, the waves were so powerful that they refused people from entering the pool…

The journey back on the ATVs was a bit scary…I just didn’t want to crash again…Although I was extra careful, I was so mad yet grateful that we didn’t get any more hurt than we were…The Aruban elections held parades on Sunday and we had to deal with heavy traffic on the ATVs for the way home. Tony took us on some shortcuts through all of the yellow flags and stern faces…

Back at the hotel, Melissa realized that her right knee had swollen up a LOT and that she had to limp a bit to walk. After some disinfectant on our abrasions and some bandages, we eventually headed to the lunch buffet, napped, and then dinner at the in-house Caribbean restaurant. My shoulder was quite banged up and hurt more than my fucked up arm…

At the lobby bar, we sulked and kind’ve laughed and had a couple beers with a couple from Queens, talking sports. We then headed to the karaoke going on at the lounge area that we hadn’t been to yet. We had beers and wine and I sang “Proud Mary” by CCR and Melissa managed her way through some song called “Brandi”. I made a shout out to the Phillies “Jimmy Rollins down the river” and the couple sitting next to Melissa picked up on it. Turns out they lived in Springfield, PA, my parents hoods. Crazy small world.

Monday

Tough sleeping last night. Really sore. Melissa and I made our way to the breakfast buffet, but Melissa couldn’t walk at her normal pace. Her knee was very swollen and a bruise on her side and increased about 5 times its original size. It looked awful!

We decided to just chill at the pool, take in some sun and basically call it a day, aside from a couple trips to some area shops. I personally hadn’t been this banged up since I sprained by ankle back in the year 2000. At an outdoor Belgian cafe, the waitress saw my arm and asked, “Did you ride the ATVs?” I laughed and she went on to say how she could just tell based on her friend’s wipeout injury, and apparently it happens to many on the island.

We are about to head out to dinner at the in-house Mexican joint, have a night of lounging and then checking out tomorrow at noon. The free food & grub will then end and we’ll take the shuttle to the airport. Gladly, I’ll be happy to stop re-applying 35 SPF sunscreen 3 times a day.